To The Ladies
Hey ladies, check it out: It’s ok for you to order whatever you want. It’s acceptable to have a drink when the rest of your friends aren’t. It’s not rude to order another cocktail when your friend has been nursing her Lemon Drop for an hour and a half. You want another beer? Go for it! Heck, you want a shot? Reach for the stars! I know many of you are successful, independent women, so please explain to me why you must taste each and every one of your seven friend’s drinks before you can decide what to order? I find that the majority of female customers fall into one of several distinct categories. Here are but a few:
The Gutless Wonder
Me: “Would you care for something to drink?”
Lady 1: “I’m going to wait until my friend arrives. But can I look at your cocktail list? And do you have any recommendations?”
Later, after friend arrives
Me: “Have you two had a chance to decide on a drink?”
Lady 1 to Lady 2: “What are you going to have? The mint martini sounds good.”
Lady 2: “I’m just going to have a Diet Coke.”
Lady 1: *palpable disappointment* “I’ll have one, too.”
Me: YOU ARE RIDICULOUS “Absolutely.”
The Taste Tester
A new guest has arrived at a party of six.
Me: “Ma’am, would you care for something to drink?”
Lady 1: “Ooohh, let me see, what are you guys drinking?”
Lady 2: “I’m having a chocolate martini. Here, taste it.”
Lady 3: “I have a White Russian.”
Lady 1: “Ooohhh, can I taste it?”
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT A WHITE RUSSIAN TASTES LIKE “Ma’am, I’m going to give you a few minutes —“
Lady 1: “No, wait. I know what I want. Wait –*points to another lady’s glass* – what is that?”
Lady 4: “Pinot Grigio — *slides glass down table* — Try it!”
Me: *head explodes*
The Conjoined Twins
Me: “Ladies, would you care for something to drink?”
Lady 1 to Lady 2: “I don’t know, what are you going to have?”
Lady 2 to Lady 1: “I don’t know, what are you going to have?”
Lady 1 to Lady 2: “I was thinking something light and refreshing. Maybe a margarita? I don’t know.”
Lady 2 to Lady 1: “Oooooo, a margarita sounds good! But remember the last time we had them at that one place? We got such bad headaches the next day! Maybe we shouldn’t get margaritas.”
Lady 1 to me: “How are the margaritas here? Are they good?”
Me: SEEING AS IT’S A JAZZ CLUB AND NOT A MEXICAN RESTAURANT “People seem to enjoy them, ma’am.”
Lady 2 to Lady 1: “What about a martini?”
Lady 1 to Lady 2: “I don’t know. I just really wanted something fun and summer-y.”
Me: “Ma’am, I can make you a margarita.”
Lady 1 to Lady 2: *ignoring me* “Ok, so what kind of martini were you thinking?”
Lady 2 to Lady 1: “Vodka? I don’t know. I mean…should we really get that? We could do wine? What do you think?”
Lady 2 to Lady 1:*sighs* “Maybe. I don’t know. I guess…you really want to?”
Lady 1 to me: “You know what? Just bring us a couple waters.”
Me: YOU KNOW I’M NEVER COMING BACK TO YOUR TABLE, RIGHT? “Of course.”